As mentioned in this space before, I really dig on soccer. Along with many Americans, I also dig highly caloric food. There is a corolation, my friends – and I am going to show you what that is…
I was watching Barcelona v. Real Madrid last week with a couple of pals (We all know that’s not true. I was by myself. That was painful to write, but cathartic none-the-less.) One of the announcers said something that sounded like “fried chips.” In actuality, he likely said nothing of the sort but the combination of him mutilating a name and my level of hunger made it feel that way. It made me think, what if some of the better known teams had junk food counterparts? Well, if they did, here is my take on them:
A.C. Milan – Cheez Its. Listen, these 2 are both completely adequate. However, unless you are some whackjob superfan, you don’t crave these all the time. They have some delightful moments, mind you, like when the Tabasco flavored Cheez Its came out. Those things were dynamite for a while, but for the most part, they are just relatively consistent. They’ll take care of you, but I wouldn’t want to wear them as a badge or anything.
Chelsea – In an effort to offer full disclosure, the boys from Stamford Bridge are my favorite. So much so that my wife and I even honeymooned near that stadium a number of years back. That being said, their junk food equivilent is Lil’ Smokies. Entirely awesome and filling, but you know that they are bad for you and could be killing you prematurely. I fear that Abramovich will up and fail me, much like my heart after too many Lil’ Smokies.
Manchester United – Funyuns. Here’s the deal – these damn snackies are delicious. They really are. However, you have to be part of the cult who really appreciates them. If you are one who ardently dislikes Funyuns it wouldn’t matter if the Funyuns would suddenly make you wealthy and irresistible to everyone you’ve ever wanted to date, you would still hate them with a passion because it is in your blood. The inverse is true. If you love Funyuns, you will fight for them regardless of how their parent company manufactures them. Now, it is possible to hate Funyuns while still respecting their place in the pantheon of all great junk food. The same can be said for Man. U.
Arsenal – The lads from Highbury are the snack equivalent of Cheetos. They are good, no doubt about it. But if you take in too much you are suddenly hit with a nausea that can only be described as debilitating. This nausea was never more commonplace then it was in the late 70’s and early 80’s. Those poor bastards. Things have gotten better (obviously) for the North Londoners in the past 15 years or so. The same can be said of Cheetos. Maybe we should say that Arsenal are the relatively new Cheddar Jalapeno Cheetos. Have you tried those sons of bitches? They are insanely delicious. Same rule of sudden nausea from overindulgence though, for both the team and the delicious snack food.
Real Madrid – This team, chock full of stars like many of the ones previously listed, has a snack food equivalent of pizza. Why pizza? Well its simple, we all seem to overlook Real Madrid lately due to their inability to match up with Barca when it matters. However, if we were to sit down and really dig into RM, we would know that this is a damn good team/snack food. You know that old adage about pizza – even when its bad it is still good. Tell me that doesn’t apply to Madrid?
Barcelona – Well, if Real Madrid was pizza, what is Barca? What could be out there that is better then pizza? Well, Totino’s Pizza Rolls, that’s what. These little nuggets of awesome are the very epitome of what is right in our world. I have a theory. That theory is “Pizza Rolls > All”. I’m waiting for scientific proof that this theory is indeed fact. Anyway, that is how this shakes out. Barcelona = Pizza Rolls.
You are free to disagree with me. Hell, I welcome it. You are also free to remind me that I have way too much time on my hand and that my chubby ass should find a treadmill.