Where have all of the bad asses gone? 

I’m being serious. I’m not saying soccer is without any tough players – not the case at all.  Actually, it can be argued that soccer players are even more bad ass than ever right about now.  Fitness, equipment, and the quality of the game continue to improve all of the time, forcing players to reach new levels in all aspects of the game.

What I’m asking is where are those larger-than-life bad asses?  I miss the Vinnie Jones’ of the world.

While I was growing up, Vinnie Jones was the cat.  Seriously, if the opponents weren’t crapping themselves at the possibility of playing against him, then they had ice in their veins.  He was (and still is) brash, outrageous, and could usually back it up on the pitch.  If he couldn’t back it up, he would at least grab your testicles and remind you of his presence, just ask Gazza.

I think we need more Vinnie Jones/Dunga type guys.

Dunga was a master of intimidation.  Brazil has always had a “soft” reputation.  Their teams play with unparalleled skill and beautiful fluidity.  Traditionally they didn’t have “hard asses”.  Dunga changed that.  Hell, he didn’t even have to do anything.  That buzz cut and scowl said it all.  The fact that he was a damn good defender was just icing on the cake.  Even now, closing in on 50, Dunga still looks like he could play the lead villain in any “Die Hard” film.  Seriously.

Then there is the enigmatic Eric Cantona.  That crazy Frenchman is still considered by many to be the best player to ever don the Manchester United jersey.  That’s a bold statement.  But “The King” brought a physical presence coupled with unbelievable skill and unparalleled confidence to the pitch.  Everyone knew where he was on the field, and every one knew not to mess with him. He was always on the verge of something amazing (or bat poop insane.)  Ultimately, it is not every day that you see a star player run and successfully land a flying ninja kick on a taunting supporter.

_

Flying drop kicks aside…

Today we are challenged to find those types of personalities.  Don’t get me wrong, we are in a hay day of excellent, physical players.  Ferdinand, Terry, Vidic, Pique, Lahm, and more are all world class and then some.  However, with the exception of maybe Ferdinand in his ill-advised corn row phase, none of these guys strike fear in to the hearts (and genitals) like a Jones, a Cantona, or a Dunga.

Just sayin’.

Now, I’m not the final word here.  Drop us a comment and have your say.  Any up and coming tough guys we should be watching?

Finally, on a sad (and serious) note, American soccer lost an icon this past week.  Harry Keough passed away at the age of 84. You might know Harry as the gentleman who scored the famous goal in the 1950 World Cup game that saw the Americans beat the heavily favored England team.  I can tell you, Harry and his family are all household names in the St. Louis area.  They have done so much to grow and promote the game. It is a shame to see him pass on.  So, wherever you are this week, toss one back for Harry.

As mentioned in this space before, I really dig on soccer. Along with many Americans, I also dig highly caloric food. There is a corolation, my friends – and I am going to show you what that is…

I was watching Barcelona v. Real Madrid last week with a couple of pals (We all know that’s not true.  I was by myself.  That was painful to write, but cathartic none-the-less.) One of the announcers said something that sounded like “fried chips.”  In actuality, he likely said nothing of the sort but the combination of him mutilating a name and my level of hunger made it feel that way.  It made me think, what if some of the better known teams had junk food counterparts?  Well, if they did, here is my take on them:

A.C. Milan – Cheez Its. Listen, these 2 are both completely adequate. However, unless you are some whackjob superfan, you don’t crave these all the time. They have some delightful moments, mind you, like when the Tabasco flavored Cheez Its came out.  Those things were dynamite for a while, but for the most part, they are just relatively consistent.  They’ll take care of you, but I wouldn’t want to wear them as a badge or anything.

Chelsea – In an effort to offer full disclosure, the boys from Stamford Bridge are my favorite.  So much so that my wife and I even honeymooned near that stadium a number of years back.  That being said, their junk food equivilent is Lil’ Smokies.  Entirely awesome and filling, but you know that they are bad for you and could be killing you prematurely. I fear that Abramovich will up and fail me, much like my heart after too many Lil’ Smokies.

Manchester United – Funyuns.  Here’s the deal – these damn snackies are delicious.  They really are.  However, you have to be part of the cult who really appreciates them.  If you are one who ardently dislikes Funyuns it wouldn’t matter if the Funyuns would suddenly make you wealthy and irresistible to everyone you’ve ever wanted to date, you would still hate them with a passion because it is in your blood.  The inverse is true.  If you love Funyuns, you will fight for them regardless of how their parent company manufactures them. Now, it is possible to hate Funyuns while still respecting their place in the pantheon of all great junk food. The same can be said for Man. U.

Arsenal – The lads from Highbury are the snack equivalent of Cheetos.  They are good, no doubt about it. But if you take in too much you are suddenly hit with a nausea that can only be described as debilitating. This nausea was never more commonplace then it was in the late 70’s and early 80’s.  Those poor bastards. Things have gotten better (obviously) for the North Londoners in the past 15 years or so.  The same can be said of Cheetos.  Maybe we should say that Arsenal are the relatively new Cheddar Jalapeno Cheetos.  Have you tried those sons of bitches?  They are insanely delicious.  Same rule of sudden nausea from overindulgence though, for both the team and the delicious snack food.

Real Madrid – This team, chock full of stars like many of the ones previously listed, has a snack food equivalent of pizza.  Why pizza? Well its simple, we all seem to overlook Real Madrid lately due to their inability to match up with Barca when it matters.  However, if we were to sit down and really dig into RM, we would know that this is a damn good team/snack food.  You know that old adage about pizza – even when its bad it is still good.  Tell me that doesn’t apply to Madrid?

Barcelona – Well, if Real Madrid was pizza, what is Barca?  What could be out there that is better then pizza?  Well, Totino’s Pizza Rolls, that’s what.  These little nuggets of awesome are the very epitome of what is right in our world.  I have a theory.  That theory  is “Pizza Rolls > All”. I’m waiting for scientific proof that this theory is indeed fact.  Anyway, that is how this shakes out. Barcelona = Pizza Rolls.

You are free to disagree with me.  Hell, I welcome it.  You are also free to remind me that I have way too much time on my hand and that my chubby ass should find a treadmill.

So did it go the way you thought it would?  Did Montreal make the right choice?  Do you think Wenger is really stoked to start his career in the Great White North… on an expansion team?  Not to be biased, but we do think it’s pretty cool up here beyond the 49th parallel, but an expansion team… there could be a few lean years ahead.  Hopefully it all works out for ALL the boys in the draft.

Here’s a video from the boys over at MLS talking with the #1 overall pick Andrew Wenger

And for a complete rundown off all the picks, MLS has that for you too