Time to be honest – I dig on the occasional video game.  And by “occasional”, I mean at least a couple of hours a week.  And by “at least a couple of hours” a week, I mean – oh never mind.  Just understand that I do like some video games.

You will find that the United States is a video game nation powered by Madden NFL. It is the sports franchise that dominates the video game landscape. There are even television shows dedicated to Madden NFL football.  I don’t look down on those people, honestly.  I respect them.  They love playing a game and have a good time.  No harm in that, right?  Well I am no where near that level of fanaticism for any game.  I get the odd game in here and there after work is done and the kids are in bed for the night.  But there is a passion that resonates with me and others like me: FIFA soccer.

The one game that has always held a special place in my heart has been the FIFA soccer franchise, which is produced by EA Sports. I have had a version of this game for every console since the 1996 incarnation.  And much like its big brother, Madden NFL, the game focuses on realism and actual pro player ratings.  You get to experience virtual players who are designed with their actual level of skill as based on the performance of their living counterpart. It lends itself to some very fun and realistic video game action.

I’ve won FA Cups, Olympic medals, Community Shields, and even used Alan Shearer to score a last second game winner allowing long-suffering England to hoist the 1998 World Cup.  Truly I am a man who has been living the dream. So, as you can imagine, in recent versions of the game, the Rooney’s, Messi’s, and Ronaldo’s of the virtual world tend to run rim shod over the “mere mortal” players.

This is why I come back to play over and over again (and also it’s a great way to kill time when I’m on the treadmill.  Seriously, you can jog for like an hour and it feels like 5 minutes.  You have to try it.  Just be safe.  I speak from experience.)  Anyway, I come back to it over and over because of its realism, sort of.  Occasionally, EA Sports likes to make some players even more amazing then their real-life counterparts. 

For instance, when I play against my nemesis, Wayne Rooney, he likes to torment me with jukes and dekes unlike anything you’ve seen from a human.  It becomes downright comical at times.  That is until I try to take him out of the game with an absolutely malicious tackle.  This very seldom works as this super human virtual Rooney detects that somehow.  He manages to keep the ball, dance around my tackle, and proceed to beat my goal keeper in a variety of ways.  I am left scratching my head, vowing vengeance, and then find myself surrendering even more goals as I try too hard to equalize.  Ah – good times, good times!

Come to think of it, I’m not sure why I keep coming back to the game.  That damn Rooney (and Messi, don’t get me started on his virtual prowess.  Craaaaazy.)

I guess I should stop ranting about video games and go get back to my life.  However, if you are cut from the same cloth as me, drop a comment below. Maybe we can even play a game on line sometime.  Just don’t mock me when I flip out over your virtual superstars skills and try to take him out with every member of my back 4.  Also, please don’t ridicule me when my team has to forfeit because too many men have been sent off.  You have been warned.

While some of my American friends and co-workers may scoff at soccer as being a “boring” or “not for them”, they almost all change their tune when it comes to league design.  These friends and co-workers may be criminally insane as well, but that is actually not the point here. (And, for the record, I said “may”.)

Who cares about league design? Well, I do.  So there!  But honestly, in most European soccer leagues, there are no conferences or divisions or playoffs (well standard playoffs as we know them.)  There is none of that crap.  There is one league.  There is one giant table of teams and every team plays with the goal of being number one.  Get a win? There are points for that.  Get a tie? You grab a point for that. The team with the most points at the end of the season wins the title. The simplicity is elegant and refreshing.  And don’t forget relegation.  Oh my, never underestimate the pain and agony of relegation.

What is relegation?

Well, it is a “motivator” to make sure all teams are performing to the best of their ability. Basically, if your team finishes in one of the bottom spots in the table, they are relegated to a lower league the next season.  Then, the top teams from the lower division replace them at the top flight.

To put it in American terms: based on 2011 Major League Baseball standings: Houston, Seattle, and Minnesota would be playing in AAA this upcoming season, and they would be replaced in MLB by the Pawtucket Red Sox, Durham Bulls, and Columbus Clippers.  Insane, right?  Not so much!

It is a crazy and downright frightening feeling to have your favorite team in the relegation “zone” fighting for survival.  And let me tell you, it adds a great deal of tension (and a bit of fun) to the proceedings throughout the end of the season.  You will see teams literally weep with joy for finishing out the season above the relegation zone.  And, on the flip side, you will see the despair of those who are being “sent down”.

To further add to the excitement, teams finishing near the top of the table get to play in special European cups the following season.  These are prestigious tournaments held across Europe with the top teams from leagues from England, Italy, Spain, Germany, and many more.  The revenue streams as well as the credibility that comes from playing in Europe can propel a team for years to come.  They suddenly become a viable destination for the top talent across the globe.

Other amazing aspects of overseas soccer are tournaments like England’s FA Cup.  This prestigious event traverses all of England’s leagues.  So the English Premier League and all of its “minor leagues” get to play.  You win and you keep going.  Normally, an established Premier League team wins this event, which goes on concurrent with the existing season.  But sometimes these lower division teams come out of nowhere and shock the world. In 1980 West Ham was out of the top flight and came through to win it all.  And as recently as 2008, we saw Cardiff City make it to the final only to succumb to Portsmouth (who, incidentally, was the only Premier League team to make the semi-finals!)

None-the-less, it is always a treat to see major teams like a Manchester United take the pitch at an away leg game against a smaller team, like Huddersfield Town in their old Leeds Road stadium.  It can be culture shock for both fans and players.  To use the baseball analogy again, it would be like the New York Yankees showing up in Niles, Ohio to play the single A Mahoning Valley Scrappers.  Their stadium seats a whopping 6,000 or so people. And, more importantly, the game would matter!  It would be worth something, not just an exhibition.  It would be televised internationally! How cool is that? I am sure it would be quite a treat for the fans and players of the minor league team.

Ultimately, the design of these leagues is far superior to those we see in the major U.S. sports.  There is always something to play for.  Be it the top of the table, a particular tournament, or even just avoid regulation.  Every match counts for something.  And we all know that is not something we can say for most of the sports in our country.

I am writing this in a post-match glow.

As you likely know, Barcelona just took on Leverkusen in Champions League. What you may also know is that Leverkusen was positively thrashed by Barca, 7-1. Furthermore, you may be aware that a diminutive forward for Barcelona named Lionel Messi took the game over and basically disrespected anyone who has ever tried to play soccer. Why, you ask? Well, he was that good. Any of us who have ever touched the pitch now look foolish for even trying. Messi showed us what football looks like. He reminded us what is so great about our sport, and why it has been dubbed “The Beautiful Game.” During the rout, Messi tucked in five goals. Many of them were of the “spectacular” variety. At one point during the second half I was quite sure I caught myself screaming like a little schoolgirl. This cannot be confirmed, however, and for that I am grateful.

(oh in case you have yet to witness… here be some highlights, or lowlights for you Leverkusen people, from our friends at FOX Soccer)

A quick check of twitter, facebook, and other sites among the web showed me that I was not alone in my accolades. Twitter was blowing up, and that was to be expected. But even mainstream sports sites in the United States were leading with Messi’s performance. This made me pleased. Honestly, we don’t that type of exposure on a mainstream level very often.

While Barcelona was wrapping up their destruction of Leverkusen, (10-2 on aggregate, daaaaaamn!), I couldn’t help but start thinking about other notable individual performances I have seen throughout the years.

• Romario personally lit up the Manchester United team when he was playing for Barcelona in 94. He made runs both with and without the ball that were downright mesmerizing.
• As a goalkeeper myself, I was particularly drawn to a match Peter Schmeichel played against Germany during the 92 Euro Final. He was flat-out clutch. Germany’s attack seemed incessant, and Schmeichel was brilliant in response. He singlehandedly delivered that championship to the Danes.
• Leverkusen was victim again in 2002 during the Champions League final. This time the culprit was none other than a pre-headbutt Zinedine Zidane. ZZ played sensationally in midfield the entire game before scoring the game winner on a cross from Roberto Carlos. That game winner often overshadows the masterful performance Zidane displayed in midfield. The volley was one of best goals ever scored in international competition.

Now, there are numerous great individual performances. Many more than just the few I have mentioned. These just happened to jump out at me. Feel free to sound off and let us know what you think. Will Messi’s performance be topped? Or is it not even at the top of the heap?

Dear soccer fan, please forgive me.

This is my first soccer confession. We have been acquaintances for a little bit of time now and I have to be a bit more forthcoming with you. Personally, it is for the best. While some of this may hurt, I think it is imperative for you and I to be on common ground as this relationship progresses. So, grab an adult beverage (or not) and grit your teeth (or not) as what I am about to tell you may alter the course of our writer/reader relationship. In fact, it may make you lose any and all respect for me (that is, if there was any respect for me there to begin with. I understand that is quite a stretch.)

Here we go:

- For years there have been rumors circulating that I tried to name my first born “Beckham”. In many circles I denied this claim incredulously. It is time to come clean; I did lobby to name our first child after Becks. My wife, being incredibly awesome and having a sound mind, was able to see that doing so was not in our child’s best intentions. I relented. I felt shame. However, there are times when I look at my now 8-year-old son and think, “I don’t care what the others say, if your name was Beckham, that would be bad ass.”

Please forgive me. Are you okay? Can you continue? I hope so, as I must go on.

- Here is quite wicked googly. My wife and I traveled to London on our honeymoon and I never went to see a Premiership match. This confession alternately pains me greatly/gives me a smile. The pain side is obvious. Heck, our hotel was just blocks away from Stamford Bridge (which I didn’t even go see, I’m a horrible person.) It would have been great to see a game over there. It really would have. And we were overseas at such an exciting time in EPL history – Leeds and Chelsea were on the ascendency, Le Tissier was still mucking about and scored his 100th goal with Southampton, and guys like Beckham, Butt, and Giggs were continually trouncing others at the top of the table.

Why didn’t we go? Well, we were busy with other things. So, there’s that.

I’m not sure if you are okay.

You seem as if you are having some sort of a conniption. Let’s just try to finish up, no?

- I have been to exactly one MLS game, only one. Here I am, Mr. Superfan and I have only been to one MLS game? What gives, right? Well, wait. It gets better. The game I attended was in1997 – Kansas City Wiz vs. New England Revolution. Arrowhead Stadium seemed to be about ¼ full. People were unsure what to cheer about. The rules were weird. Honestly, they were still doing kick-ins instead of throw-ins and all that jazz. It was kind of a bad experience. Anyway, this was the second season of MLS. The league was still finding an identity. I only made the long drive from St. Louis to K.C. to see an idol of mine, Walter Zenga, between the pipes for the Revolution. Also, in an effort of full disclosure, Zenga did not even play that day. He rode the bench. It just added to the surreal feel of the event.

Now, that’s not to say I have not been an MLS supporter. Not the case at all, I just haven’t made it to another game. I truly intend to rectify this discrepancy during this upcoming MLS season. I owe it to my wife. I owe it to my kids. I owe it to you. I owe it to myself.

Well, that’s it. Those are my confessions. I trust that the eye-rolling/saliva drooling combo is a sign of forgiveness. Now, those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, right? You can’t tell me that you don’t have a soccer skeleton or two in that closet of yours, right?

We are fans of soccer. We, the collective soccer fan base, generally seem to enjoy a variety of things in addition to soccer. You will find members of our group who enjoy traveling, reading, and fine dining. You will find others among our midst that enjoy gaming, junk food, and diluted gin from the local grocery store. To each his own, right? (In an effort of full disclosure and brutal honesty, I have found myself enjoying all of those at one time or another. And, there is nothing wrong with any of those leisure activities, except for the grocery store gin. This, in hindsight, may be a cry for help. I’m just putting that out there.)

However, there seems to be at least one tie, other than soccer, that binds us all together: our proclivity to argue. Is there a fan base that bickers more than soccer fans? If so, I am yet to find it. Now, keep in mind, I’m not referring to the terrible riots and stampedes that we have seen recently and in years past. That is quite another level of horror and one that I hope we don’t find on our shores. I’m speaking just fan to fan. It seems that those of us in North America, perhaps because we have already been a bit persecuted just by being soccer fans, tend to jump down the throats of others who share a different soccer viewpoint.

For example, I recently got into a discussion with a new acquaintance at soccer sign-ups for my kids school league. It went something like this:

Acquaintance: “Hey, I saw you coach last year. You were wearing a Lampard jersey, right?”
Me: “Yes, that was likely me. I’m a big Chelsea fan. Who do you…“

Acquaintance: “Chelsea sucks. Lampard sucks. Manchester United is the best team in the world. Seriously, why would you even bother with that team?”
Me: “Well, I started supporting them in middle school after I read Glanville’s…”

Acquaintance (walking away and grabbing his kids): “Whatever. Chicharito is better than Torres or Drogba.”

Me: “Well, if recent form is the only thing we are going to look at, then I am inclined to agree with you, stranger. Your argument, while off-putting, is not without its merits. Where did he go? I’m talking to myself again, aren’t I? He left like a minute ago, didn’t he? Hey kids, did you see a guy over here talking to me?”

I am embellishing slightly, but the premise was the same. There seems to be, at least in my experience, real venom in many soccer dialogues with casual (and not so casual) fans in these parts. Maybe it is just the area I live in. Or maybe it is just my stupid, smug face. Is it the same for you?

That’s not to say all dialogue goes this way. I just had a nice give and take with a superior at work about Wayne Rooney’s recent work rate. (Wayne Rooney’s recent work rate, say that 5 times fast…) I am of the opinion that his work rate has suffered recently (again, just his work rate, not his play or results – settle down). I think, compared to his normal bull-dog approach, Rooney has been playing it slightly safer when away from the ball. My superior thought I was insane, and perhaps he is right. He made some valid points. We didn’t change each other’s point of view but we had some good dialogue. And at least he didn’t take his kids and run away after screaming his point of view. So, there might just be hope for us all.

Where have all of the bad asses gone? 

I’m being serious. I’m not saying soccer is without any tough players – not the case at all.  Actually, it can be argued that soccer players are even more bad ass than ever right about now.  Fitness, equipment, and the quality of the game continue to improve all of the time, forcing players to reach new levels in all aspects of the game.

What I’m asking is where are those larger-than-life bad asses?  I miss the Vinnie Jones’ of the world.

While I was growing up, Vinnie Jones was the cat.  Seriously, if the opponents weren’t crapping themselves at the possibility of playing against him, then they had ice in their veins.  He was (and still is) brash, outrageous, and could usually back it up on the pitch.  If he couldn’t back it up, he would at least grab your testicles and remind you of his presence, just ask Gazza.

I think we need more Vinnie Jones/Dunga type guys.

Dunga was a master of intimidation.  Brazil has always had a “soft” reputation.  Their teams play with unparalleled skill and beautiful fluidity.  Traditionally they didn’t have “hard asses”.  Dunga changed that.  Hell, he didn’t even have to do anything.  That buzz cut and scowl said it all.  The fact that he was a damn good defender was just icing on the cake.  Even now, closing in on 50, Dunga still looks like he could play the lead villain in any “Die Hard” film.  Seriously.

Then there is the enigmatic Eric Cantona.  That crazy Frenchman is still considered by many to be the best player to ever don the Manchester United jersey.  That’s a bold statement.  But “The King” brought a physical presence coupled with unbelievable skill and unparalleled confidence to the pitch.  Everyone knew where he was on the field, and every one knew not to mess with him. He was always on the verge of something amazing (or bat poop insane.)  Ultimately, it is not every day that you see a star player run and successfully land a flying ninja kick on a taunting supporter.

_

Flying drop kicks aside…

Today we are challenged to find those types of personalities.  Don’t get me wrong, we are in a hay day of excellent, physical players.  Ferdinand, Terry, Vidic, Pique, Lahm, and more are all world class and then some.  However, with the exception of maybe Ferdinand in his ill-advised corn row phase, none of these guys strike fear in to the hearts (and genitals) like a Jones, a Cantona, or a Dunga.

Just sayin’.

Now, I’m not the final word here.  Drop us a comment and have your say.  Any up and coming tough guys we should be watching?

Finally, on a sad (and serious) note, American soccer lost an icon this past week.  Harry Keough passed away at the age of 84. You might know Harry as the gentleman who scored the famous goal in the 1950 World Cup game that saw the Americans beat the heavily favored England team.  I can tell you, Harry and his family are all household names in the St. Louis area.  They have done so much to grow and promote the game. It is a shame to see him pass on.  So, wherever you are this week, toss one back for Harry.

As mentioned in this space before, I really dig on soccer. Along with many Americans, I also dig highly caloric food. There is a corolation, my friends – and I am going to show you what that is…

I was watching Barcelona v. Real Madrid last week with a couple of pals (We all know that’s not true.  I was by myself.  That was painful to write, but cathartic none-the-less.) One of the announcers said something that sounded like “fried chips.”  In actuality, he likely said nothing of the sort but the combination of him mutilating a name and my level of hunger made it feel that way.  It made me think, what if some of the better known teams had junk food counterparts?  Well, if they did, here is my take on them:

A.C. Milan – Cheez Its. Listen, these 2 are both completely adequate. However, unless you are some whackjob superfan, you don’t crave these all the time. They have some delightful moments, mind you, like when the Tabasco flavored Cheez Its came out.  Those things were dynamite for a while, but for the most part, they are just relatively consistent.  They’ll take care of you, but I wouldn’t want to wear them as a badge or anything.

Chelsea – In an effort to offer full disclosure, the boys from Stamford Bridge are my favorite.  So much so that my wife and I even honeymooned near that stadium a number of years back.  That being said, their junk food equivilent is Lil’ Smokies.  Entirely awesome and filling, but you know that they are bad for you and could be killing you prematurely. I fear that Abramovich will up and fail me, much like my heart after too many Lil’ Smokies.

Manchester United – Funyuns.  Here’s the deal – these damn snackies are delicious.  They really are.  However, you have to be part of the cult who really appreciates them.  If you are one who ardently dislikes Funyuns it wouldn’t matter if the Funyuns would suddenly make you wealthy and irresistible to everyone you’ve ever wanted to date, you would still hate them with a passion because it is in your blood.  The inverse is true.  If you love Funyuns, you will fight for them regardless of how their parent company manufactures them. Now, it is possible to hate Funyuns while still respecting their place in the pantheon of all great junk food. The same can be said for Man. U.

Arsenal – The lads from Highbury are the snack equivalent of Cheetos.  They are good, no doubt about it. But if you take in too much you are suddenly hit with a nausea that can only be described as debilitating. This nausea was never more commonplace then it was in the late 70’s and early 80’s.  Those poor bastards. Things have gotten better (obviously) for the North Londoners in the past 15 years or so.  The same can be said of Cheetos.  Maybe we should say that Arsenal are the relatively new Cheddar Jalapeno Cheetos.  Have you tried those sons of bitches?  They are insanely delicious.  Same rule of sudden nausea from overindulgence though, for both the team and the delicious snack food.

Real Madrid – This team, chock full of stars like many of the ones previously listed, has a snack food equivalent of pizza.  Why pizza? Well its simple, we all seem to overlook Real Madrid lately due to their inability to match up with Barca when it matters.  However, if we were to sit down and really dig into RM, we would know that this is a damn good team/snack food.  You know that old adage about pizza – even when its bad it is still good.  Tell me that doesn’t apply to Madrid?

Barcelona – Well, if Real Madrid was pizza, what is Barca?  What could be out there that is better then pizza?  Well, Totino’s Pizza Rolls, that’s what.  These little nuggets of awesome are the very epitome of what is right in our world.  I have a theory.  That theory  is “Pizza Rolls > All”. I’m waiting for scientific proof that this theory is indeed fact.  Anyway, that is how this shakes out. Barcelona = Pizza Rolls.

You are free to disagree with me.  Hell, I welcome it.  You are also free to remind me that I have way too much time on my hand and that my chubby ass should find a treadmill.

Being a sports fan in the United States is easy. On every corner, at every bar, and in every conference room you’ll find conversations about the upcoming Super Bowl. You might hear dialogue about the latest NBA marriage fallout. There is always someone near who is spouting off about their fantasy team. Or, depending on where you are at, you might overhear discussion about Tim Thomas the hockey player versus Tim Thomas the activist. However, being a soccer fan in the United States is still not that easy. If I walk in to my local bar or restaurant and start talking El Clasico I can guarantee one of two outcomes:

Outcome one: background music screeches to a halt, children scream out quickly and then are suddenly silenced, and every set of eyes in the place glares at me in rage until I spontaneously burst into flames.

Outcome two: background music screeches to a halt, a bouncer comes out of nowhere (even at this nice, family-owned bar and grill), and fires me through the plate-glass window at the front of the establishment while everyone in the restaurant cheers.

Alright, those might be slight embellishments. (And I do mean slight. I damn near got beaten to a pulp and left for dead at a Dairy Queen for arguing about how soccer was better than basketball. I’ll share that story with you when I feel that you are old enough.)

In all honesty, being a soccer fan in the States has gotten better – but not due to public perception. It has gotten better because of the Internet and cable/satellite television. Growing up as a child in the 80’s, my access to soccer information was limited to outdated encyclopedias in the local library, outdated articles in random outdated publications, and in Subbuteo ads in the back of said random, outdated publications. (Damn, I wanted a Subbuteo table in the worst way.)

Soccer on TV? That was unheard of, with the exception of “Soccer Made in Germany.” If I could haul may happy behind out of bed on Saturday mornings I could watch this nugget of pure gold. It was an hour long weekly that was played on PBS in the late 70’s and early 80’s. This program focused on the old West German football teams and it might of well have been sent directly from the heavens. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t pronounce Kaiserslautern or Koln. It didn’t matter that the video was grainy and that the players’ shorts were so tight and tiny that they looked like briefs. All that mattered was the fact that soccer was being shown on American television. I was hooked.

As the years went by, soccer news and soccer games started making inroads towards the American psyche. We saw Paul launch us to Italy. We were able to see the World Cup come to our shores. We saw Brandi rip off her shirt. We saw Landon personally keep our country’s hopes alive. In spite of that the collective consciousness of soccer is somewhere behind hockey and tennis in America.

Today, access to soccer is available 24/7. FSC and the Internet have been priceless gifts to me and other struggling Yankee soccer fans. We can now catch up on highlights in the middle of the night or take off work early to catch an FA Cup match. We have the power! Well, the power to consume soccer at least. The power to have intelligent discussions with strangers in public is still a ways away. But that’s fine for now. I can’t ask my neighbor if she thinks Messi should play more of a holding role without having her look at me as if a chupacabra is on my head. But I have people like you guys for that, and I’m grateful. I’ll just have to stick with asking her if she thinks Tom Brady will have a good game or if LeBron will ever come back to those of us in Ohio. She’ll answer that crap and think I’m normal. I feel bad for her…